Parents and their “mild-mannered” demeanor

By Bettina Young Prochnow
Oct 22, 2001, 15:46

He seemed like such a mild-mannered, soft-spoken man. He would drive over an hour each way to get his son to hockey tryouts. Then, when his son made the team, he would be the parent of choice at the 10 p.m. to midnight mid-week practice. We would talk every now and then, but mostly we would sit in the stands and watch the kids skate. It was a new team, and few of the kids knew each other.

The parents had minimal contact with one another; just a passing “hello,” and an occasional “Look at that!” They would scatter themselves among the benches, just far enough to be able to hear if anyone spoke, but not in the close, small groups that mark the end of a hockey season. And so things continued until the first game.

It’s alive!

Then the question, “Who was that masked man?” became appropriate. Once the puck was dropped, so was the mild-mannered demeanor. Suddenly, there stood a frenzied, shouting, gesticulating persona of that dreaded creature—The Hockey Parent!

You know the type—there’s at least one on every team. They coach from the stands, they yell from the stands, and they have to lay the blame on someone—be it a player, the coach, or the referee—for every mistake and every loss. Are they having fun yet?

“The worst that I’ve seen,” says Real Turcotte, longtime coach and founder of Turcotte Stickhandling School, “was when a father came over to the bench and hit his kid on the back of the helmet. It went flying, and he continued to yell at his kid in front of the team.”

Getting caught up in the excitement of the game happens to everyone. It’s fast, it’s furious, and we are all only human. But at the same time, let’s not forget why we’re at the rink.

“Give the game back to the kids where it belongs,” says Barbara Issel, sub-registrar for USA Hockey in Michigan and vice-president of the Ann Arbor Hockey Association, and who also runs a Fall hockey conditioning camp. “I’ll tell parents: all you are is a chauffeur and a support for your child. If they make a mistake on the ice, they know it and the coach will tell them.”

“After all, when you make a mistake, nobody has to write you a letter—and you certainly don’t want to hear from your parents!”

Barbara, who has seen all three of her children play through all levels of youth hockey, and on into Junior and College hockey, goes on. “Parents need to understand that their child will develop at his or her own pace—not the coach’s or the parent’s pace.” And, she says, be sure to add healthy doses of “I’m proud of you for just being who and what you are” to encourage and help the process along.

Improvement matters most

“Parents’ concerns and enthusiasm should be directed toward the improvement of their son or daughter,” says Turcotte. “Once you get the focus on improvement, you won’t be as frustrated as a parent.”

In other words, forget whether the game was won or lost. Watch for the way your child played and how they participated. Did they stick-handle with more authority? Did they pass well? Did they better their own game?

Part of the physiological learning curve, according to Turcotte, is to progress uphill, then plateau out. Before heading up again, a player will dip into a valley. That’s why teams in training for a big tournament will start 7-8 weeks prior. The uphill swing occurs in the first 3 weeks, and then the team plateaus out at week 4 and hits bottom during week 5. Then the uphill swing will start again. He suggests that you keep this in mind when assessing your player’s progress, and help them push through those valleys with encouragement.

After a bad game, apply the old adage that “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

“Or turn it around and go for a milkshake, so your kid knows that you’re on his side,” suggests Turcotte.

Can parents learn, too?

Parents need to keep the big picture in mind. Barbara believes “in letting your kid be a kid. Don’t look at them as a future NHL player—let them swim or play soccer or baseball.”

It’s a parent’s job to balance school, hockey and other activities. See that they get plenty of rest the night before a big game. Travel with plenty of time to adjust to the place and time zone. Relax before a game. Don’t arrive frustrated with your child because she lost a pad or wouldn’t listen to your in-car hockey lecture. In other words, keep the fun in the game.

The game of hockey offers a physical, mental, and emotional growth experience at all levels. Players learn discipline, team play, how to set goals for themselves and how to control their emotions under pressure. Hopefully, parents will learn to do the same! l

Bettina Young Prochnow is a hockey player with the NCWHL and has two sons in hockey. She is a columnist for a newspaper in Livermore, CA.

This first appeared in the 01/1995 issue of Hockey Player Magazine®
© Copyright 1991-2011 Hockey Player® and Hockey Player Magazine®